Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959, Directed by Ed Wood) English 2

Starring Bella Lugosi, Vampira, Gregory Walcott, Duke Moore, Tom Keene, Paul Marco, Tor Johnson

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(2-Atrocious Film)

Incompetent. Silly. Confusing.

A U.F.O, grave robbing aliens that look like humans, and zombies that look like vampires fill the scattered narrative of Ed Wood’s infamous film, but basically it’s about evil invaders from a more advanced planet who want to wipe out humanity. Besides being amateurish and inept in several aspects of filmmaking, Plan 9 is also awfully hard to follow. There’s no discernible character development, introduction, or suspense to speak of, and only towards the end do we get a sense of character motivation. Ed Wood was just as woeful at script writing as he was at directing.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(109)

Mac and Me (1988, Directed by Stewart Raffill) English 3

Starring Christine Ebersole, Jonathan Ward, Martin West, Danny Cooksey, Jade Calegory, Lauren Stanley

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(3-Horrible Film)

Third-rate. Shoddy. Laughable.

A young alien, given the nickname Mac (mysterious alien creature), crash lands on Earth, separated from his family. Discovered and befriended by brothers Eric (bound to a wheelchair) and Michael, Mac looks to reconnect with his family. If this premise sounds awfully similar to E.T: Extra-Terrestrial, it’s because Mac and Me is a blatant rip-off of that classic, released just six years prior. Add to that, Mac and Me is a lousy rip-off, devoid of any imagination, and damned by poor design for the central alien figure. There are two especially bad scenes: one where Eric loses control of his wheelchair and falls off the side of the cliff, and another set in McDonalds, where everyone begins a choreographed dance number. The latter is mind-blowingly bad. Baffling, really, and not the only embarrassing moment of product placement. The former is unintentionally hilarious. Surprisingly, the acting is professional, keeping Mac and Me out of the seventh circle of movie hell where The Room and Troll 2 live.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(52)

Boat Trip (2002, Directed by Mort Nathan) English 3

Starring Cuba Gooding Jr., Horatio Sanz, Roselyn Sanchez, Vivica A. Fox, Roger Moore, Will Ferrell, Richard Roundtree

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(3-Horrible Film)

Stupid. Offensive. Unfunny.

Two unlucky bachelors and friends, aiming to boost their luck with women on a luxury cruise, instead find themselves aboard a gay only party ship. Jerry (Gooding Jr.) accepts the situation once he meets a beautiful dance teacher also aboard the ship, while the homophobic Nick (Sanz) gets in to a continuous line of raunchy misadventures. Widely recognized as the golden standard for bad comedies, this film rides its string of horribly unfunny jokes, offensive stereotypes, and shameless nudity to embarrassing lows. Makes you appreciate a film like Some Like it Hot even more, as it’s cut from the same farcical cloth as Boat Trip, but with a wealth of more talent and creativity involved.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(286)

Catwoman (2004, Directed by Pitof) English 3

Starring Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Alex Borstein, Frances Conroy, Lambert Wilson

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(3-Horrible Film)

Embarrassing. Ludicrous. Dumb.

Patience Phillips (Berry) is a meek, overworked, overlooked artist in the fashion world, who gets killed after uncovering a conspiracy within her company. She revives mysteriously, and a Dr. Jekyll/ Mr. Hyde situation develops within her, spawning the alter ego, Catwoman. Soon she falls for a handsome cop (Bratt) who seems to be in every department with the police, as he arrives at every crime scene in the film.  An embarrassment for everyone involved, Catwoman’s plot is pushed forward rapidly through a series of dumb moments. The bad guys talk openly about their plot. Halle Berry has a painfully awkward basketball scene with Bratt (Love and Basketball, this is not). The cheesy puns. The catnip scene. It’s not boring. I’ll grant it that, but it’s just so dumb, much too frequently. It’s all a poorly executed excuse for Halle Berry to wear the costume. No need to watch the movie. Google images should suffice.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(119)

The Emoji Movie (2017, Directed by Tony Leondis) English 3

Voices of T.J Miller, Anna Farris, James Corden, Maya Rudolph, Steven Wright, Jennifer Coolidge, Patrick Stewart

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(3-Horrible Film)

Dumb. Baffling. Boring.

In the world of a teenage boy’s phone live the emojis. Ideograms with minds of their own, that exist simply to convey the right message in their owner’s texts. Gene (Miller), a meh emoji, struggles with capturing the emotion he’s assigned, and his mistake leads to an adventure through aps to escape his own deletion. It’s about as good as you’d expect with its premise, which is to say pretty bad. No matter how colorful or skillful the animation (and I will credit the filmmakers with that), you just cannot get past the inane idea that emojis exist and have feelings. Aside from that the adventure is short and boring. The jokes are lame. Not one of the worst films of all time as its single digit Rotten Tomatoes approval rating would suggest, but it is a horrible movie.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(157)

The Snowman (2017, Directed by Tomas Alfredson) English 3

Starring Michael Fassbender, J.K Simmons, Charlotte Gainsbourg, Rebecca Ferguson, Val Kilmer

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(3-Horrible Film)

Incomprehensible. Odd. Bland.

Something about me: A murder mystery has to be extremely bad for me not to enjoy, and so, full disclosure: I was entertained for much of this 8% on Rotten Tomatoes travesty. Michael Fassbender stars as Harry Hole, the lead detective from a series of novels by Jo Nesbo, this time out, chasing a serial killer who stalks wanton women and leaves snowmen as his calling card. The tone is lifeless, Val Kilmer’s brief role is bizarre (his dialogue is dubbed over), the mystery reveal is contrived, as all mysteries are, but generally with more skill, and there is a whole segment of the film, with J.K Simmons (a side-plot, I guess), that’s left completely unresolved. I believe the director when he says that a large chunk of the film’s script was unshot due to budget concerns and lack of time. The Snowman is, at times, skillfully made, but the lack of coherence makes the central gimmick come off as silly rather than scary. Overall, I’d say The Snowman is in need of a director’s cut that unfortunately will never come.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(249)

Down Periscope (1996, Directed by David S. Ward) English 3

Starring Kelsey Grammar, Bruce Dern, Rob Schneider, Lauren Holly, Rip Torn, William H. Macy, Harry Dean Stanon

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(3-Horrible Film)

Ridiculous. Unfunny. Witless.

Made during the height of his Fraser fame, Kelsey Grammar stars as Lieutenant Commander Thomas Dodge, a rogue officer tasked with captaining an outdated diesel sub. Among his crew are an insubordinate Engineman, a slob of a culinary specialist, an over-zealous ex-o, a female diving officer, and other oddballs. It’s a mostly painless bad movie. Just don’t take it too seriously. Don’t take it seriously at all, because it’s completely ludicrous.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(263)

Suicide Squad (2016, Directed by David Ayer) English 3

Starring Will Smith, Margot Robbie, Jai Courtney, Viola Davis, Joel Kinnaman, Jay Hernandez, Cara Delevingne, Ben Affleck, Jared Leto, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Adam Beach, Ike Barinholtz

(3-Horrible Film)

Posturing. Unintelligible. Jumbled.

Intent on being a world-conquering puppet master, Amada Waller (Davis, much too good for this) sets about putting together a team of DC’s least popular villains; the idea being that if they fail, the government can just throw the rogues under the bus, and so Deadshot (Smith), Killer Croc (Akinnuoye-Agbaje), Harley Quinn (Robbie), Captain Boomerang (Courtney), and El Diablo (Hernandez) are coerced into taking on an ancient power known as The Enchantress (Delavigne). The film is a mess; structure, character development, plot. All exposition, no flow. The villain is lame. The Joker, as played by Oscar winner Jared Leto, is pointless and unwatchable. The filmmakers clearly focused on the poster more than the script. Worse than Fantastic Four (2015). Worse than Batman and Robin (1998).

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(610)

Blonde Cobra (1963, Directed by Ken Jacobs) 2

Its reputation as a benchmark of the experimental film movement seems to me an indictment of the genre. How it was included in the otherwise sterling catalogue that is Steven Jay Schneider’s 1001 Movies You Must See Before You Die list, I have no idea. It’s indescribable, which I know, sounds like a compliment, but not when linked with incomprehensible, uninteresting, and ugly, as it must be when discussing this affront to its viewers’ time management skills.

I, Frankenstein (2014, Directed by Stuart Beattie) English 4

Starring Aaron Eckhart, Bill Nighy, Yvonne Strahovski, Miranda Otto, Jai Courtney, Socratis Otto

I, Frankenstein movie review & film summary (2014) | Roger Ebert

(4-Bad Film)

Uninspired. Silly. Lame.

Adam: I was cast into being in winter of 1795, a living corpse without a soul, stitched, jolted, bludgeoned back to life by a madman. Horrified by his creation, he tried to destroy me, but I survived.

Attempting to be a unique take on the Mary Shelley tale, this Frankenstein sees its monster, named Adam (Eckhart), as an immortal stuck in the middle of a holy war between gargoyles and demons.  Lame character design (the budget is pretty small for a film of this nature) mars what could have been a perfectly mediocre film about Frankenstein’s monster seeking redemption in the modern world. Basic at every level and only passably interesting to begin with in this case equals bad movie.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(1,030)