The Love Guru (2008, Directed by Marco Schnabel) English 3

Starring Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Romany Malco, Justin Timberlake, Ben Kingsley, Verne Troyer, Meagan Good, John Oliver, Stephen Colbert, Jim Gaffigan, Samantha Bee, Daniel Tosh, Telma Hopkins

BRIANORNDORF.COM: Film Review: The Love Guru

(3-Horrible Film)

Unfunny. Gross. Dumb.

Guru Pitka: Give me a pound. Lock it down. Break the pickle. Tickle, tickle.

Every comedian bombs. Every film comic puts out a dud or two or even several and it doesn’t mean their good comedies get forgotten. Think of John Candy. Are you picturing the ghastly Wagons East or are you smiling fondly, remembering the classics? I say this as an olive branch to Mike Myers whom I do think is funny, because The Love Guru is an awful comedy. Myers plays Guru Pitka, a white man raised in India by gurus (at least he’s not in brown face, he spares himself that embarrassment). He’s brought in to help raddled, star hockey player, Darren Roanoke (Malco), reconcile with his wife, Prudence (Good), in time to focus for the Stanley Cup. The plot is reasonable enough but it’s really just an excuse for one misguided, unfunny gag after another. There are no laughs in this picture but an abundance of second-hand embarrassment.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(1,007)

Underclassman (2005, Directed by Marcos Siega) English 3

Starring Nick Cannon, Shawn Ashmore, Roselyn Sanchez, Kelly Hu, Hugh Bonneville, Cheech Marin

(3-Horrible Film)

Dumb. Unoriginal. Uninteresting.

Tracy Stokes: [at a five-star restaurant with Rob] I’m telling you, in my old neighborhood, gettin’ crab is something totally different.

Nick Cannon is a young out of control cop with smarts. He pretends to be a student at a prestigious high school. He’s investigating some huge scandal. He has a weird relationship with his Spanish teacher (Sanchez), who looks like a supermodel. Lots of lame jokes. Really bad movie. Lord Darlington from Downton Abbey is in it.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(991)

Son of the Mask (2005, Directed by Lawrence Guterman) English 2

Starring Jamie Kennedy, Traylor Howard, Alan Cumming, Bob Hoskins, Steven Wright, Kal Penn, Ben Stein, Magda Szubanski

Son of the Mask - Is Son of the Mask on Netflix - FlixList

(2-Atrocious Film)

Embarrassing. Painful. Vulgar.

Odin: There was a baby, born of The Mask!

Loki (Cumming), the trickster god born of Odin (Hoskins), Norse mythology’s All-father, created a mask designed to unleash havoc and sent it down to the humans. Somehow this mask ends up in the hands of Tim Avery (Kennedy), a struggling cartoonist. One night, after wearing the mask for the first time, Tim gets his wife, Tonya (Howard), pregnant, and the result is a baby boy, Alvie, with all the powers of the mask without having to wear it. Watching this movie made me appreciate Jim Carrey in a way I never had before. I’ve always been a fan but seeing him in The Mask after seeing this made me realize how good of a performance that was in addition to being funny. Son of the Mask is a miserable experience. There is not a worthwhile idea in the movie. The story and tone are crass and unpleasant; much too vulgar to be a kids’ film. Kennedy’s performance is embarrassing. His character is an idiot. His voice-acting while wearing the mask is annoying. None of the jokes are funny. I’d like to nominate the musical “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” sequence for the worst movie scene of all-time. There’s nothing anybody can do with this film but pile on. There are dozens of angry, hilarious rants about how unfunny this movie is and all I can do is agree.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(981)

Dragonball: Evolution (2009, Directed by James Wong) English 3

Starring Justin Chatwin, Jamie Chung, Emmy Rossum, Chow Yun-fat, James Marsters, Joon Park, Randall Duk Kim, Ernie Hudson, Megumi Seki

15 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Dragonball Evolution – IFC

(3-Horrible Film)

Inept. Lame. Childish.

Goku: Teach me, how to talk to a girl. I mean, I’m different, and everyone at school can see that, teach me how to get a girl, how to be smooth… how to be normal!

Evil Lord Piccolo returns to Earth after millenniums emprisoned. He seeks the seven magic Dragonballs that grant the owner one wish. The young, powerful hero, Goku (Chatwin), teams up with Bulma (Rossum), Chi-Chi (Chung), Yamcha (Park), and Master Roshi (Yun-fat) to unite the Dragonballs before Lord Piccolo can get to them and unleash his minion, Ōzaru. This is not a good film. The immediate comparison is The Last Airbender because the two movies vie for worst adaptation of something great in film history. Like The Last Airbender, Dragonball: Evolution feels like it was made by people who didn’t even like the source material. They hack it to bits. Here, at least, the characters’ names are the same (this much is not true of The Last Airbender). It’s not a painful watch, unlike a number of terrible films, but it’s consistently poor, juvenile, and unexciting.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(948)

Highlander II: The Quickening (1991, Directed by Russell Mulcahy) English 3

Starring Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Virginia Madsen, Michael Ironside, John C. McGinley, Allan Rich

7 Ways Highlander 2 is the Most Ultimately Awful Action Movie of ...

(3-Horrible Film)

Incomprehensible. Hack. Laughable.

MacLeod: There can be only one.

I’m not a fan of the original Highlander, though the cult classic has a cool concept. MacLeod (Lambert), a 16th-century Scottish warrior, is immortal, fighting his arch-nemesis, The Kurgan, and romancing women through the centuries. Highlander II brings back its stars, even Sean Connery inexplicably (he died in the first one), and shoves them into a science fiction plot involving Ozones, immortal aliens, and a dystopian future. These things may sound cool and maybe that was the problem. I imagine that in the brainstorming stage for whoever wrote this, every idea seemed like a good idea, and no one ever cared to do any editing. Highlander 2 makes no sense. I’m confident about this. It’s not that I didn’t pay attention or that I didn’t get it, it’s that this film makes no sense. I couldn’t tell you with any certainty the motivation behind why anything happens. I don’t know how MacLeod and Virginia Madsen’s characters fall in love after knowing each other for two minutes. There are a couple of sequences that I can enjoy individually apart from the movie and without any context-because, again, I don’t know what is going on. I mainly didn’t like the first one because of Christopher Lambert’s performance. He’s even worse here. He’s a charisma vacuum-at least in English. I’m sure he’s better in his native language, but his nonexistent Scottish accent never gets mentioned when people discuss all-time bad movie accents and it should.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(946)

Soul Plane (2004, Directed by Jesse Terrero) English 3

Starring Kevin Hart, Snoop Dogg, Tom Arnold, Method Man, Godfrey, Loni Love, Monique, Missi Pyle, Arielle Kebbel, D.L Hughley, Sommore, Sofia Vergara, John Witherspoon, Terry Crews, Gary Anthony Williams, Brian Hooks, K.D Aubert, Richard T. Jones

Soul Plane 2004 - Worst Movies Ever

(3-Horrible Film)

Irreverent. Unfunny. Embarrassing.

Captain Mack: Testicles, 1, 2… Testicles, 1, 2.

Nashawn Wade (Hart) wins a $100,000,000 in a court settlement after being on the wrong end of an airline’s carelessness. He uses his earnings to start his own airline, one with purple planes, complimentary fried chicken, strippers as stewardesses, and Snoop Dogg as a pilot. If this sounds amusing to you, I’ll admit, as ridiculous as it all is, it had a chance to be the black version of Airplane (1980), which is what it so clearly wants. Airplane, now 40 years old and dated in my opinion, is still funnier than Soul Plane. There are a lot of funny people in Soul Plane and I respect the energy they bring to the project but a film like this needs to be hilarious to warrant the level of silliness and, I repeat, Soul Plane simply isn’t funny. There’s no point in being offended by it, even though there are many opportunities; Monique, as TSA security, takes handsome fliers back to Airport detention and forces them to undress, for example. Like every joke in this picture, I’m just shaking my head saying, “wow.”

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(926)

The Horror of Party Beach (1964, Directed by Del Tenney) English 3

Starring John Scott, Alice Lyon, Allan Laurel, Eulabelle Moore, Marilyn Clarke, Agustin Mayor

Image result for horror at party beach

(3-Horrible Film)

Laughable. Mindless. Unscary.

Deep down in the waters off of a Connecticut beach lives a new species of sea life. Grotesquely altered by radioactive waste, these corrupted creatures are heading for land and I’m prepared to be horrified- it is The Horror at Party Beach, after all- but then, the creatures surface, looking like an H.R Pufnstuf character. Once we see the “monsters,” the rest of the movie becomes a bad joke. To be honest, the movie was never good. From the start, the acting is wooden (in that independent-filmmaking, amateurish sort of way) and the dialogue is absurd. The characters are nondescript, all except Eulabelle, the black maid that made me roll my eyes with every line she’s given to read. The music sucks too.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(853)

Jonah Hex (2010, Directed by Jimmy Hayward) English 3

Starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich, Michael Shannon, Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett

(3-Horrible Film)

Unfinished. Incompetent. Lame.

A man, Jonah (Brolin), endowed with supernatural powers seeks revenge against the brutal soldier, Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich), who murdered his wife and son. Based on a DC comic series, with a run time of barely an hour, I’m guessing the studio rushed this project through without a script.  I hope Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, and Michael Fassbender made a lot of money because that is the only way I can make sense of their signing on to this travesty. Mercifully, inexplicably short.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(802)

Crossroads (2002, Directed by Tamra Davis) English 3

Starring Britney Spears, Zoe Saldana, Taryn Manning, Dan Aykroyd, Kim Cattrall, Anson Mount, Justin Long

(3-Horrible Film)

Awkward. Clichéd. Poor.

Three teenage girls and a brooding older guy take a soul searching road trip across the deep south. Meant to be a dramatic vehicle for pop star Britney Spears, the film is just way too much. There are plenty of clichés, but worse still, they’re lifetime channel clichés; date-rape, cheating boyfriends, pregnant teens, distant mothers, a girl’s first time. It alternates between laughable and hard to watch. That being said, the film is much better than fellow pop star, Mariah Carey’s debut Glitter (2001), and that does count for something.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(791)

Tomcats (2001, Directed by Gregory Poirier) English 3

Starring Jerry O’Connell, Shannon Elizabeth, Jake Busey, Horatio Sanz, Jaime Pressly

(3-Horrible Film)

Unfunny. Gross. Offensive.

Tomcats desperately wants to be There’s Something About Mary, an early Farrelly Brothers’ film that worked but instead more closely resembles Boat Trip, Cuba Gooding Jr.’s infamous stinker. Jerry O’Connell leads a cast of semi-famous people who never made it past the D-list (thanks in part, I’m sure to this film), as a cartoonist named Michael, who, together with a group of friends, makes a bet that the last man to stay unmarried gets a huge cash prize. Years later, with the pool of bachelors whittled down to two, a desperate Michael teams up with an embittered policewoman, Natalie (Elizabeth), to seduce his last opponent and make sure he wins that bet. The plot has potential, but the laughs aren’t there to distract us from how juvenile it all is. Plus, the level of misogyny is incredible.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(688)