Dragonball: Evolution (2009, Directed by James Wong) English 3

Starring Justin Chatwin, Jamie Chung, Emmy Rossum, Chow Yun-fat, James Marsters, Joon Park, Randall Duk Kim, Ernie Hudson, Megumi Seki

15 Things You Probably Didn't Know About Dragonball Evolution – IFC

(3-Horrible Film)

Inept. Lame. Childish.

Goku: Teach me, how to talk to a girl. I mean, I’m different, and everyone at school can see that, teach me how to get a girl, how to be smooth… how to be normal!

Evil Lord Piccolo returns to Earth after millenniums emprisoned. He seeks the seven magic Dragonballs that grant the owner one wish. The young, powerful hero, Goku (Chatwin), teams up with Bulma (Rossum), Chi-Chi (Chung), Yamcha (Park), and Master Roshi (Yun-fat) to unite the Dragonballs before Lord Piccolo can get to them and unleash his minion, Ōzaru. This is not a good film. The immediate comparison is The Last Airbender because the two movies vie for worst adaptation of something great in film history. Like The Last Airbender, Dragonball: Evolution feels like it was made by people who didn’t even like the source material. They hack it to bits. Here, at least, the characters’ names are the same (this much is not true of The Last Airbender). It’s not a painful watch, unlike a number of terrible films, but it’s consistently poor, juvenile, and unexciting.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(948)

Highlander II: The Quickening (1991, Directed by Russell Mulcahy) English 3

Starring Christopher Lambert, Sean Connery, Virginia Madsen, Michael Ironside, John C. McGinley, Allan Rich

7 Ways Highlander 2 is the Most Ultimately Awful Action Movie of ...

(3-Horrible Film)

Incomprehensible. Hack. Laughable.

MacLeod: There can be only one.

I’m not a fan of the original Highlander, though the cult classic has a cool concept. MacLeod (Lambert), a 16th-century Scottish warrior, is immortal, fighting his arch-nemesis, The Kurgan, and romancing women through the centuries. Highlander II brings back its stars, even Sean Connery inexplicably (he died in the first one), and shoves them into a science fiction plot involving Ozones, immortal aliens, and a dystopian future. These things may sound cool and maybe that was the problem. I imagine that in the brainstorming stage for whoever wrote this, every idea seemed like a good idea, and no one ever cared to do any editing. Highlander 2 makes no sense. I’m confident about this. It’s not that I didn’t pay attention or that I didn’t get it, it’s that this film makes no sense. I couldn’t tell you with any certainty the motivation behind why anything happens. I don’t know how MacLeod and Virginia Madsen’s characters fall in love after knowing each other for two minutes. There are a couple of sequences that I can enjoy individually apart from the movie and without any context-because, again, I don’t know what is going on. I mainly didn’t like the first one because of Christopher Lambert’s performance. He’s even worse here. He’s a charisma vacuum-at least in English. I’m sure he’s better in his native language, but his nonexistent Scottish accent never gets mentioned when people discuss all-time bad movie accents and it should.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(946)

Soul Plane (2004, Directed by Jesse Terrero) English 3

Starring Kevin Hart, Snoop Dogg, Tom Arnold, Method Man, Godfrey, Loni Love, Monique, Missi Pyle, Arielle Kebbel, D.L Hughley, Sommore, Sofia Vergara, John Witherspoon, Terry Crews, Gary Anthony Williams, Brian Hooks, K.D Aubert, Richard T. Jones

Soul Plane 2004 - Worst Movies Ever

(3-Horrible Film)

Irreverent. Unfunny. Embarrassing.

Captain Mack: Testicles, 1, 2… Testicles, 1, 2.

Nashawn Wade (Hart) wins a $100,000,000 in a court settlement after being on the wrong end of an airline’s carelessness. He uses his earnings to start his own airline, one with purple planes, complimentary fried chicken, strippers as stewardesses, and Snoop Dogg as a pilot. If this sounds amusing to you, I’ll admit, as ridiculous as it all is, it had a chance to be the black version of Airplane (1980), which is what it so clearly wants. Airplane, now 40 years old and dated in my opinion, is still funnier than Soul Plane. There are a lot of funny people in Soul Plane and I respect the energy they bring to the project but a film like this needs to be hilarious to warrant the level of silliness and, I repeat, Soul Plane simply isn’t funny. There’s no point in being offended by it, even though there are many opportunities; Monique, as TSA security, takes handsome fliers back to Airport detention and forces them to undress, for example. Like every joke in this picture, I’m just shaking my head saying, “wow.”

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(926)

The Horror of Party Beach (1964, Directed by Del Tenney) English 3

Starring John Scott, Alice Lyon, Allan Laurel, Eulabelle Moore, Marilyn Clarke, Agustin Mayor

Image result for horror at party beach

(3-Horrible Film)

Laughable. Mindless. Unscary.

Deep down in the waters off of a Connecticut beach lives a new species of sea life. Grotesquely altered by radioactive waste, these corrupted creatures are heading for land and I’m prepared to be horrified- it is The Horror at Party Beach, after all- but then, the creatures surface, looking like an H.R Pufnstuf character. Once we see the “monsters,” the rest of the movie becomes a bad joke. To be honest, the movie was never good. From the start, the acting is wooden (in that independent-filmmaking, amateurish sort of way) and the dialogue is absurd. The characters are nondescript, all except Eulabelle, the black maid that made me roll my eyes with every line she’s given to read. The music sucks too.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(853)

Jonah Hex (2010, Directed by Jimmy Hayward) English 3

Starring Josh Brolin, Megan Fox, John Malkovich, Michael Shannon, Michael Fassbender, Will Arnett

(3-Horrible Film)

Unfinished. Incompetent. Lame.

A man, Jonah (Brolin), endowed with supernatural powers seeks revenge against the brutal soldier, Quentin Turnbull (Malkovich), who murdered his wife and son. Based on a DC comic series, with a run time of barely an hour, I’m guessing the studio rushed this project through without a script.  I hope Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, and Michael Fassbender made a lot of money because that is the only way I can make sense of their signing on to this travesty. Mercifully, inexplicably short.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(802)

Crossroads (2002, Directed by Tamra Davis) English 3

Starring Britney Spears, Zoe Saldana, Taryn Manning, Dan Aykroyd, Kim Cattrall, Anson Mount, Justin Long

(3-Horrible Film)

Awkward. Clichéd. Poor.

Three teenage girls and a brooding older guy take a soul searching road trip across the deep south. Meant to be a dramatic vehicle for pop star Britney Spears, the film is just way too much. There are plenty of clichés, but worse still, they’re lifetime channel clichés; date-rape, cheating boyfriends, pregnant teens, distant mothers, a girl’s first time. It alternates between laughable and hard to watch. That being said, the film is much better than fellow pop star, Mariah Carey’s debut Glitter (2001), and that does count for something.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(791)

Tomcats (2001, Directed by Gregory Poirier) English 3

Starring Jerry O’Connell, Shannon Elizabeth, Jake Busey, Horatio Sanz, Jaime Pressly

(3-Horrible Film)

Unfunny. Gross. Offensive.

Tomcats desperately wants to be There’s Something About Mary, an early Farrelly Brothers’ film that worked but instead more closely resembles Boat Trip, Cuba Gooding Jr.’s infamous stinker. Jerry O’Connell leads a cast of semi-famous people who never made it past the D-list (thanks in part, I’m sure to this film), as a cartoonist named Michael, who, together with a group of friends, makes a bet that the last man to stay unmarried gets a huge cash prize. Years later, with the pool of bachelors whittled down to two, a desperate Michael teams up with an embittered policewoman, Natalie (Elizabeth), to seduce his last opponent and make sure he wins that bet. The plot has potential, but the laughs aren’t there to distract us from how juvenile it all is. Plus, the level of misogyny is incredible.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(688)

Dancin’ It’s On (2015, Directed by David Winters) English 2

Starring Witney Carson, Jordan Clark, David Winters, Gary Daniels, Chehon Wespi-Tschopp

(2-Atrocious Film)

Incompetent. Awkward. Embarrassing.

Inept rip-off of the Step Up series of films about a young rich girl who goes to Florida to reconnect with her estranged father. While there, she meets Ken, a lowly servant at her father’s hotel, and instantly falls in love. They discover a common love of dancing, which every single character (no matter how unlikely) in the movie shares. Even the grumpy old man brooding over the loss of his son was once a dancer. Every aspect of the film is insultingly bad; except the dancing which manages to be mediocre. The dialogue largely consists of one character repeating what another character said in the form of a question. The acting, aided by the script, is atrocious. The direction is amateur (Christian Bale tirade amateur). It’s a team effort on its way down to the lower depths.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(623)

Batman and Robin: So Terrible, it’s Amazing (1998, Directed by Joel Schumaker) English 3

Starring George Clooney, Chris O’Donnell, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Uma Thurman, Alicia Silverstone, Michael Gough, Pat Hingle

Image result for batman and robin

(3-Horrible Film)

Campy. Goofy. Idiotic.

1998’s Batman and Robin is, simply put, a joke. They notoriously gave Bruce Wayne’s suit nipples, they chose for their lead villain, Mr. Freeze, played by a blue painted Arnold Schwarzenegger, spouting one bad ice-related pun after another (“let’s kick some ice”), and made Poison Ivy look like Divine from a John Waters movie (google it). I’d like to catalog for you, the film’s many shortcomings and harebrained moments, though it’s a Herculean task to try and catch all of them, but it’s also important to note and preface this with the truth, which is that I love this film. Definitely falls within the “so bad, it’s good” variety. I think it’s hilarious. I laughed out loud on more occasions during the length of this superhero flick than, let’s say, 95% of the straight-up comedies I’ve seen.

Technically the fourth entry in the pre-Christopher Nolan series of Batman films, it’s amazing how silly all of the Batman movies before Bale and Nolan seem now that I’ve seen their grittier, more realistic take on the material. Batman and Robin stars George Clooney as the billionaire playboy slash caped crusader. It’s incredible, and not enough is said about how Clooney was able to have a career after this film, let alone the Oscar-winning, lifetime achievement award receiving career he has had. Bat nipples should have been career ending. I will say that among the cast, who should all feel embarrassed, Clooney comes off the least foolish. He gives the role some gravitas, granted, masked behind layers of inanity, bad dialogue, and bat nipples (I’m going to keep coming back to bat nipples; they color the entire film). I would even go as far as saying that Clooney could make a great Bruce Wayne in a much better, more competent picture. Now, if you think I’m being over dramatic about bat nipples being potentially career-ending, take a look at the rest of the cast of then-stars. Chris O’Donnell returns as  Batman’s close ally, Robin. O’Donnell, who’d given a very strong performance six years earlier in Scent of a Woman (1992) with Al Pacino, never recovered from this dud. Neither did Alicia Silverstone, at the time of the film’s release, still riding the waves off of her early success in Clueless (1995). Here, she plays Barbara Wilson, grand-niece of Bruce Wayne’s butler, Alfred. She appears to be a nice, wholesome girl, but is later revealed to be a hardcore, action adventure heroine, and dons the ready-made Batgirl suit Alfred leaves her. Together, Batman (having trouble trusting his young sidekicks), Batgirl, and Robin take on Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and Bane (3 on 3) who team up, rather improbably, to take over the world (or at least Gotham) with a telescope Mr. Freeze turned into a freeze gun. The villains are where the film really reveals its suckage. I’m going to address them one by one.

I’ve already referenced Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Freeze, and you probably got the point, but not enough can be said about his puns:

Cop #1: Please show some mercy!

Mr. Freeze: Mercy? I’m afraid my condition has left me cold to your pleas of mercy.

See too, a scene where he sings along to the snow miser song from A Year Without Santa Claus (1974), while his henchman, who dress in fur coats and talk like they’re from the Bronx, provide backing vocals. Where does he get these guys? Honestly? He goes to New York and posts hiring notices? It’s insane. And they help him, why? Then again, Ted Bundy had followers. Perhaps, it’s one of those things that defy explanation. Like when Mr. Freeze zaps Robin with his freeze gun, and Robin’s cemented in a block of ice. The solution: Batman picks Robin up and puts him in hot water, and Robin’s perfectly fine. Science! What’s the point of Mr. Freeze’s gun if it doesn’t even kill anybody? It looks cool on an action figure?

Poison Ivy, as portrayed by Uma Thurman, is, against all odds, even worse. She escaped this travesty thanks to Tarantino casting her in his Kill Bill saga, otherwise, I’m certain this would have been career curtains. Let’s start with her “origin story.” The origin stories in the old Batman movies were the worst/most hilarious parts. She’s working in some kind of lab, minding her own business one minute. She opens a door, and all of a sudden, she’s in some weird underground cult room, complete with evil experiments. That’s it. All she did was open a door. The mad scientist in this new room goes, “how did you get in here? Now, I’ll have to kill you. You know too much.” What do you mean, “how did you get in here?” You didn’t even lock the door. His attempt to kill her somehow imbues her with the power to manipulate plants and toxins, and the sexy ability to kill men with a kiss. Almost lost amid Mr. Freeze’s bad puns are Poison Ivy’s equally lame lines: “They replaced my blood with aloe.” “Animal protectors of the status quo.” Worst of all: “My garden needs tending.” Smh. Uma’s performance is bad too. The dialogue is horrible and does her no favors, but her delivery only compounds the terribleness. She talks like a bad theater actress. And then there’s the striptease she does while wearing a gorilla costume. Has to be seen, to be believed. Yes, someone thought that was a good idea.

Bane, while equaling his compadres in stupidity, has far less screentime, thus leaves far less of an impression. Still, in his rare moments to shine, the filmmakers turn him into a Frankenstein figure; like a campy Frankenstein figure. He starts off as a scrawny child molester or something and is then given serum that makes him jacked. How to defeat him? Robin simply pulls the rather large tube from the back of Bane’s head and he disintegrates. So, so bad.

There isn’t much logic to Batman and Robin. Instead, there are pointless cameos from Elle MacPherson and Coolio. I’m sure the filmmakers were convinced their target audience wouldn’t notice (their target audience being 8 year-olds), and they were right. There was a solid 3 year period when I legitimately thought it was the greatest film ever made. Now, I see clearly. It’s in my exclusive top ten worst movies ever made list. So many poor choices, lapses of logic, head shaking moments, and bat nipples. Never forget bat nipples.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(604)

City on Fire (1979, Directed by Alvin Rakoff) English 3

Starring Barry Newman, Ava Gardner, Henry Fonda, Leslie Nielsen, James Franciscus, Susan Clark, Shelley Winters

Image result for city on fire 1979

(3-Horrible Film)

Dull. Bemusing. Hack.

I love disasters movies, but The Birds is the only one that I consider great. There is a handful that I consider very good, another handful of mediocres, but, to this point, City on Fire is the first awful disaster film that I’ve seen. Some malcontent causes a fire at an oil refinery in the American mid-west that soon spreads and destroys the small town and the people in it. That’s a solid premise, and the cast includes Henry Fonda, Shelley Winters, and Ava Gardner. How could this film go so wrong? Where a film like The Poseidon Adventure demonstrated the strength of ensemble acting, City on Fire is bogged down in the flip-side. Too many characters, no character development. As a result, it’s tremendously hard to follow with no rooting interest whatsoever in any of the leads. Twenty minutes in, I just stopped caring.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

(492)