Pensées #15: Hoping for Mulan’s Failure

Before I get to my point, I should make clear, I don’t live in America. So I’ve already seen Disney’s newest remake, Mulan, and I saw it in my local theater (the way it was intended to be seen). Unlike previous remakes, Mulan attempts to tell an almost completely original story, or, better put, one that’s independent from its animated predecessor. That means no Mushu, no musical numbers, new bad guys, and, ultimately, no fun. I respect the attempt, but after seeing the finished film (which feels very much unfinished and in need of a few rewrites), I can say that the new Mulan is rather stale and greatly disappointing. It also comes with a wide range of controversies, which I won’t list here because, if you care, you already know about them. Besides, controversy doesn’t affect my opinion of a film and none of this is why I’m hoping it fails to earn Disney money this season. Due to the ongoing Covid-19 pandemic and the impracticality of movie theaters right now, Disney was forced to get creative. Their plan B was to offer it on their relatively new streaming service (Disney Plus) for a whopping $30. I understand that if you compare it to a family spending an evening at the movie theater, $30 is probably much less than they’d expect to spend. I don’t care. This is a horrible solution threatening to further alienate the movie theater business which is in danger of becoming obsolete. I’m afraid people are getting used to life without movie theaters. I could never. I love the cinema and I don’t want to see this $30 a movie to become the norm. I think studios still rely heavily on box office returns and they don’t necessarily want this either, but that’s simply because movies make more money in theaters. If studios somehow figured out how to make a huge profit through streaming, they would in a heartbeat. Mulan is Disney dipping their toes in the water. I don’t want to give them an ounce of encouragement.

Mulan' Release Date Changes Again - Variety

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #14: Christmas Challenge Final Tally

Once again, I’ve fallen just short of my 25 Christmas films goal. I’ve watched 23 Christmas movies since the beginning of November. Of those 23, none of the films I watched for the first time made much of an impression outside of Holiday Affair with Robert Mitchum and Janet Leigh. Otherwise, it’s been perennial classics, like It’s a Wonderful Life and White Christmas, and a handful of shorts, like Mickey’s Christmas Carol and A Charlie Brown Christmas Special (which I actually saw for the first time). Meanwhile, I have very little to watch in theaters here in Korea. The big opening this week is Cats (which looks like an unforgettable travesty). Star Wars’ final chapter won’t be imported until January 8th. With no other options, I likely will go see Cats and find out just how bad it is.

#12: Home Alone

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1990, Directed by Christopher Columbus

(8-Exceptional Film)

Macauley Culkin is one of the most famous kid stars of all time. He did other films, but he’ll always be remembered for slapping his hands to his face and screaming in Home Alone; a gift and a curse, I’m sure. He’s really good, a natural, carrying a film and selling the outlandish idea of an 8-year-old being smarter than adults. He plays Kevin McCallister, left behind accidentally by his family who want to spend Christmas in France. As his mom (Catherine O’Hara) desperately tries to make it back, Kevin lives it up and ultimately protects his house from a couple of threatening burglars (Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern). Technically speaking, Home Alone’s not much to write about. It’s an inspired idea delivered straight and told plainly, like all of Hughes’ films, even ones like this that he didn’t direct.

#13: Home Alone 2

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1992, Directed by Christopher Columbus

(7-Exceptional Film)

Basically a complete retread of the first Home Alone, only set in New York rather than Chicago. Kevin McCallister is once again left by his negligent family. He again lives it up by himself before realizing that he loves and misses them. He again fortifies an entire house in less than 3 hours. Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern return to be terrorized by the most resourceful ten-year-old of all-time as Kevin becomes friends with a seemingly terrifying stranger (this time a bird lady played by Oscar winner-Brenda Fricker). It’s all recycling, and I have no problem with that. It’s a very entertaining formula. It warranted two films.

#14: Shrek the Halls

Image result for shrek the halls

2007, Directed by Gary Trousdale

(6-Good Film)

How Gary Trousdale went from directing two of the best-animated films of all-time (Beauty and the Beast and The Hunchback of Notre Dame) to directing this, I’ll never know, but it’s a decent Christmas special without being essential. Shrek prepares for his first Christmas spent with friends and family but when the day comes, he finds it doesn’t go as planned. There’s not a lot of meaningful action here, but the characters are still classic despite being worn out by their studio, and the story is amusing with a number of good jokes.

#15: White Christmas

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1954, Directed by Michael Curtiz

(8-Exceptional Film)

Phil Davis (Danny Kaye) saves Bob Wallace’s (Bing Crosby) life during the war; the big one, World War II. “How can I pay you back?” Wallace asks Davis. That’s how the unknown Phil Davis became the partner of showbiz entertainer Bob Wallace, and years later, after their partnership’s proven a success, Davis looks to play Cupid and find a wife for his friend. Chance leads the duo to rural Vermont where the beautiful Haynes sisters( Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen) are set to perform at a small inn. There, they find their old general runs the place, and that his inn is struggling to make money. To turn things around for him, Wallace and Davis decide to put on a Christmas show. White Christmas is a very old-fashioned film and people who don’t like that simply aren’t my people. Romantic adventures, quaint scenery in technicolor, with wonderful performers singing timeless music. What kind of Christmas movies do you like?

#16: It’s a Wonderful Life

Image result for it's a wonderful life

1946, Directed by Frank Capra


Clarence (Travers), an angel 2nd class, is given an awfully tough assignment: selfless, devoted family man, George Bailey (Stewart) of Bedford Falls, wonders if the world would be a better place if he was never born. Clarence gives George a glimpse of what that would look like. The quintessential Christmas standard, It’s a Wonderful Life is the best of Christmas movies for any lover of classic Hollywood. James Stewart and Frank Capra were an awesome pair, and I’m not sure anyone has looked more beautiful in a film than Donna Reed when she and Stewart huddle around a phone, trying to stay angry at one another. I’ve mentioned before people’s tendency to forgive overt sentimentality in older films. In fact, it’s what people love most about films like It’s a Wonderful Life. George Bailey’s life isn’t easy, or what he dreamed for himself, but in the end, he’s given the gift of seeing that he has a purpose. Aside: Like any true traditionalist, I prefer this film in black and white.

#17: A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby

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2019, Directed by John Schultz

(5-Okay Film)

There’s no reason, as far as I can tell, that Netflix shouldn’t just keep rolling out these ultra-cheesy, predictable Christmas Prince movies every year. The Royal Baby, the third film in this watershed trilogy, brings back Queen Amber (Rose McIver) and King Richard (Ben Lamb) as they prepare for the birth of their first child and also to sign a treaty that would continue the alliance between their made-up country, Aldovia, and some other made-up country, Penglia. When someone steals the treaty before it’s signed, the king and queen go into detective mode. Enjoyable, treacly to the extreme, A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby is satisfying viewing for those who like laughable, corny entertainment.

#18: A Cinderella Story: Christmas Wish

Image result for a cinderella story christmas wish

2019, Directed by Michelle Johnston

(5-Okay Film)

Kat Decker (Laura Marano), an aspiring singer, lives under the oppressive roof of her step-mother and two vapid step-sisters. While working her menial job as a Christmas elf to support her family, she meets Dominic Wintergarden (Gregg Sulkin), wealthy, handsome, and kind. Is there any way that he could actually be interested in her? This is a romantic comedy. Of course, there is. Let’s start with the positives: the actors are fine. That’s about it for me. It’s very straightforward, underwhelming fare with bad music thrown in.

#19: Unaccompanied Minors

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2006, Directed by Paul Feig

(4-Bad Film)

A group of kids-Spencer, Grace, Charles, Donna, and “Beef”-are cooped up in D.C’s international airport on Christmas Eve thanks to a snowstorm. Grouchy Head of Passenger Relations, Oliver Porter (Lewis Black), seems determined that they have no fun during their stay, so the children respond by running wild and “outsmarting” him at every turn. Maybe the filmmakers thought they had a bit of the Home Alone formula in hand. Neglected, resourceful child (in this case, children) versus dimwitted adults. The problem is, in Unaccompanied Minors, the children’s cleverness isn’t all that clever, the adults, though militant, aren’t necessarily even wrong, and the children are basically brats for most of the film. Unaccompanied Minors is never funny and often annoying.

#20: The Little Drummer Boy

Image result for the little drummer boy 1968

1968, Directed by Arthur Rankin Jr and Jules Bass

(7-Very Good Film)

One of Rankin and Bass’ Christmas classics told in their indelible stop-motion style, The Little Drummer Boy adapts the popular Christmas song of the same name and provides a little background. A young Jewish boy named Aaron lives only to play his drum. Swindled into joining a talentless traveling troupe leads Aaron ultimately to Bethlehem where he humbly plays his drum for the newborn baby Jesus. Like all of their specials, Rankin and Bass’ The Little Drummer Boy is one part creepy and two parts sweet, nostalgic, memorable, and a testament to their creativity. One of their best.

#21: Mickey’s Christmas Carol

Image result for mickey's christmas carol

1983, Directed by Burny Mattinson

(8-Exceptional Film)

Splendid version of Charles Dickens’ much-told tale, this 26 minute short special might be my favorite Christmas Carol. Scrooge McDuck takes his natural role in the story as Ebenezer Scrooge, a hard-hearted old businessman without any empathy or love. One night, on Christmas Eve, he is visited by three ghosts-the Ghost of Christmas Past, the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the Ghost of Christmas Future. They open his eyes and force a change of heart, causing old Scrooge to turn his life around. Short and sweet, Mickey’s Christmas Carol is a fantastically animated special.

#22: A Charlie Brown Christmas

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1965, Directed by Bill Melendez

(8-Exceptional Film)

I’ve watched the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving special countless times, but somehow I’ve never seen A Charlie Brown Christmas until this year. It’s wonderful. Charlie Brown wades through the holiday season being the young neurotic that he is, asking some big questions. Lucy convinces him to direct her Christmas play.  Eventually, he’s reminded of the true meaning of Christmas just in time to enjoy it. Vince Guaraldi’s music is gorgeous.

#23: The Small One

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1978, Directed by Don Bluth

(7-Very Good Film)

A little derivative of The Little Drummer Boy, The Small One is directed by Don Bluth during his time at Disney, before he left to start his own animation studio. The young hero, simply Boy, travels through Nazareth searching for a suitable buyer for his runtish, old donkey. The people he meets prove cruel at every turn until he meets a kind stranger named Joesph, who needs a donkey to carry his wife, Mary, on her way to Bethlehem to give birth. We know how that turns out. Sweet film. Nicely animated.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #13: Christmas Challenge Weeks 5 and 6

It has been an excellent two weeks of movie watching for me, though that mainly applies to the non-holiday films I’ve seen. Films like The Irishman, Knives Out, and Cobra thrilled me, while old favorites like Murder, My Sweet and Charade remain as wonderful as ever. The Irishman may end up as my favorite film of the year, with heavy competition thanks to a strong 2019 following a disappointing 2018. A few days ago, I saw The Irishman trending on Twitter and, as is usually the case, I was bothered to find out why. A large number of tweets (no doubt from the legion of bitter Marvel fans) took to Twitter to bash The Irishman as too long, and to nitpick at other details. Scorsese, of course, commented earlier this year that Marvel films are essentially uninteresting to him and not cinematic. This upset a lot of people and sparked debate among cinephiles. It also led to Scorsese, himself, writing an excellent essay fleshing out his thoughts on the subject. In any case, I have to believe the pushback on Scorsese’s film stems from this incident, or perhaps the film’s star, Robert De Niro, and his being more outspoken about politics lately, because The Irishman is a great movie.

I’ve watched 20 movies over the past 2 weeks and three of them were Christmas films. I thought when I rented the movie Holiday that it would be number four but it was more to do with New Year’s Eve than anything so I’m not counting it.

#9: Elf

Image result for elf 2003

2003, Directed by Jon Favreau

(9-Great Film)

Loud, obnoxious, annoying adults would seem a difficult fit for a family Christmas film, and yet Elf manages to make it work. Will Ferrell plays Buddy, a human raised in the North Pole by Papa Elf (Bob Newhart), who is finally told the truth one day: his real father, Walter (James Caan), lives in New York, and is on the dreaded naughty list thanks to his selfish, workaholic attitude. Buddy travels to the Big Apple in time for the holiday season and hopes to connect with his father, but his eternal cheer makes him a fish out of water in New York. Elf is a very funny family film and really inspired work. Think of the casting. Bob Newhart, for example, in a small role. Faison Love and Peter Dinklage are both funny and memorable in their small parts. Elf is definitely one of the few Christmas pictures I look forward to each year.

#10: Holiday Rush

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2019, Directed by Leslie Small

(5-Okay Film)

Successful, affluent radio DJ and widower, Rashon Williams (Romany Malco), goes to work one day to find that #1) the station’s been taken over by a larger company and #2) he’s fired. Left to manage with less while dealing with his four spoiled children, Rashon hurries to come up with a long term solution with his partner, Roxy (Sonequa Martin-Green), who he may be falling in love with. There’s very little meaningful tension in this movie, which has been true of all the Netflix Christmas films. Things work out and they work out well in Holiday Netflix land. My bigger concern was that the leads already love each other as soon as the film opens so there’s not much draw there, and most of the “obstacles” that exist in Holiday Rush involve rich kids not getting a horse for Christmas. Not very compelling, but the film succeeds in the same way that all of these feather-weight Netflix Christmas movies do: by being likable rather than being interesting.

#11: Holiday Affair

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1949, Directed by Don Hartman

(8-Exceptional Film)

Widowed mother, Connie Ennis (Janet Leigh), meets department store salesman, Steve Mason (Robert Mitchum), one day and the kind, charismatic guy complicates all of her carefully considered life-plans. For one thing, she’s already practically engaged, to nice, secure Carl Davis (Wendell Corey).  Holiday Affair plays out slowly, with no trumped-up action and little fuss. It’s all dialogue (witty and intelligent) and engaging characters. It’s also an attractive look at New York back in the 1940s during the Christmas season.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #12: Christmas Challenge Weeks 3 and 4 (2019)

Netflix is really going after the Hallmark Channel for most prolific provider of cheap holiday entertainment Netflix is putting out a Christmas film a week and that started as soon as the first Friday of November. Last week, however, saw a slight difference as they released Klaus, an expertly animated, above-average family film. As we draw closer to Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I will pick up my pace on watching Christmas fare, but the past couple of weeks have been solid. Meanwhile, I’ve been pondering over how devoted a film has to be to Christmas for it to be a Christmas film. I watched both You’ve Got Mail and Holiday Inn this past week and have decided to include Holiday Inn but not the former. My feeling is that You’ve Got Mail doesn’t end on Christmas. Christmas is in the middle and only a peripheral detail in the movie. Holiday Inn gave us Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas,” so I’m counting it.

#4: Klaus

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2019, Directed by Sergio Pablos

(7-Very Good Film)

Probably as a countermove to Disney Plus, Netflix is all-in on putting out great content for children. Klaus is a bigger-budget animated project exclusive to Netflix. It follows young, rich, entitled Jesper (Schwartzman), who’s given an ultimatum: post 6,000 letters in a year or face being cut off from his inheritance. His family owns the postal business, so working as a mailman in a miserable, remote island of Smeerensburg is a real come down. Finding, on arrival, a town torn by family feuds, Jesper doesn’t see any chance of hitting that 6,000 letter-mark until meeting a mysterious toymaker named Klaus (Simmons) who gives Jesper an idea to turn things around. Fresh take on the Santa Claus myth, Klaus tells a good story and compliments it with unique, well-crafted animation. It may seem an odd complaint but it lacks what I would describe as the Christmas spirit for most of the film. For the majority of its run time, we see everything through Jesper’s jaded eyes and Christmas is seen as a commercial opportunity. It’s not until the very end that Klaus really brings it home.

#5: Love Actually

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2003, Directed by Richard Curtis

(8-Exceptional Film)

Multiple storylines weave together on the road to Christmas ranging from dramatic (Alan Rickman is tempted by his secretary to cheat on his wife, Emma Thompson) to humorous (Hugh Grant is a charming, meek Prime Minister of Great Britain who falls for someone in his staff). Love Actually is a wonderful, unapologetic mess. It embraces its muchness and wears its emotions right on its sleeves. You can be cynical, roll your eyes at the contrivances, the “office workers” that look like supermodels or make a joke about the corniness, but I choose to enjoy the spectacle of it all. It’s a spectacle without special effects. Some of the storylines are more interesting than others, but all of the performances are good.

#6: The Knight Before Christmas

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2019, Directed by Cara J. Russell

(5-Okay Film)

As I observed before, Netflix seems to be going after the Hallmark Channel’s audience. As a result, many of their original films in the past have bordered on made-for-television quality. With The Knight Before Christmas, the border is gone. This film has moved well beyond it. It stars Vanessa Hudgens as a kindly school teacher who’s boyfriend cheated on her, preparing for Christmas in some quaint little town of Ohio. Josh Whitehouse plays Sir Cole, a 14th-century medieval knight, sent to modern times in order to fulfill a quest given to him by a sorceress. How will a 14th-century knight function in modern America? Pretty well according to The Knight Before Christmas. It takes him all of a day to learn a good deal of modern vernacular. This is also not the kind of film to have him declared insane upon arrival and locked inside a mental hospital. Everything about The Knight Before Christmas is pleasant. The town is beautiful, the actors are all attractive and kind, even the “flirtatious girl” who might have been a rival to Hudgens quickly bows out the race for Cole’s affection gracefully and without conflict. I do think there is value in a movie that is pure sweetness. I’m sure many people are looking for a film just like this one and will be glad to find it.

#7: Holiday Inn

Image result for holiday inn 1942

1942, Directed by Mark Sandrich

(8-Exceptional Film)

Glossing over a couple of benign, but still problematic scenes involving blackface, Holiday Inn is a fantastic musical.  You can’t do better than Bing Crosby, Fred Astaire, and Irving Berlin together. Crosby plays Jim Hardy, a showbiz veteran who’d like a simpler life for himself and his wife-to-be, Lila, living on a farm in quiet Connecticut. Then, Lila runs off with his dance partner, Ted Hanover (Astaire), and his farm turns out to be a lot of work. Time passes and Jim gets a new idea. A holiday-themed hotel wherein it’s only open on holidays complete with a complimentary music show. Working to put it together, he gets the lovely, talented Linda Mason to work for him, but Ted, already kicked to the curb by Lila, has plans to lure Linda away. Great music, dancing (Astaire’s drunk number is incredible), shimmering black-and-white photography, and impressive sets. Holiday Inn puts on an outstanding show.

#8: Let It Snow

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2019, Directed by Luke Snellin

(5-Okay Film)

Here’s Netflix’s attempt at a Christmas film for the young adult crowd. The diversity is well-orchestrated. They’ve really covered their bases. I personally don’t see the teen house party film meshing well together with an earnest Christmas sentiment. Let It Snow tries. A handful of teenagers grapple with their love lives in a small, snowed-in town in Illinois, while Keon (Jacob Batalon) just wants to host an awesome party. Every note is dutifully done, but a good house party movie needs to be raucous in my opinion and a good Christmas movie needs to be earnest. Let It Snow is somewhere in the middle, aside from being melodramatic and clichéd.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #11: Christmas Challenge Week 2 (2019)

I don’t get sentimental about much. Movies are the exception and Christmas movies especially. I am very forgiving of Christmas films; very slow to judge harshly. The truth is that there are only a handful of great Christmas films. Most are mediocre but appeal to me on either nostalgia or a lightness that I enjoy come November and December. I feel like I’ve already seen every great Christmas movie and I’m not overly optimistic about any new releases coming our way this year. Last Christmas, for example, just released in America to middling reviews. I had hopes that it would be a charming Christmas rom-com but it seems to be another addition to that long list of simply passable holiday fare. What’s left for this upcoming season? Little Women has its Christmas moments and I’m definitely looking forward to it but I don’t know that I’d characterize it as a Christmas film. Then there’s Black Christmas. It looks entertaining, to be honest, but that’s not what Christmas is about. I have to hope that I’ll be surprised by something new this year.

#3: The Grinch

Image result for the grinch 2018

2018, Directed by Scott Mosier, Yarrow Cheney

(6-Good Film)

Dr. Seuss’ wonderful stories have yet to translate to cinematic gold. There’ve been commercial hits, this version of The Grinch included, but none of them are great and I do think the potential is there for something exceptional. Nineteen years after Jim Carrey’s bizarre but interesting take on the green misanthrope, Benedict Cumberbatch takes over in a much sweeter, animated version. You likely know the story but in case you don’t, it features a hairy green creature, known as the Grinch, who lives life as an outcast in the jolly land of Whoville.  Christmas is the town’s favorite time of year but the Grinch hates Christmas and decides to do something about it. He pretends to be Santa Claus in order to steal everyone’s gifts and sabotage the holiday. The Jim Carrey led Grinch was pretty obnoxious and the Whos were materialistic and unlikable, although I think Carrey was a force of nature in the role. This Grinch is much more likable. It’s a pleasing, beautifully animated picture but suffers from a lack of real menace out of its title character. That’s disappointing. As a result, it’s not funny enough, his transformation not astounding enough, and this rendition of The Grinch ends up being pretty forgettable.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #10: Christmas Challenge (2019)

I love Christmas and I love Christmas movies. Though there are only a handful of Christmas films that I consider great, binge-watching more than my share of Holiday flicks is my favorite way to anticipate December 25th. Last year, I attempted to watch 25 Christmas movies from the beginning of November to Christmas Day, and, despite a late push, I fell short by 4 films, eagerly awaiting this new holiday season in order to try again. Same mission: 55 days to watch 25 Christmas movies. This time, I am confident I will succeed. Like last year, I hope to have a good mix of classics like Elf, It’s a Wonderful Life, Miracle on 34th Street, etc. with a host of new movies that I haven’t seen yet. Films like Holiday Affair, Joyeux Noel, and We’re No Angels are on the top of my yet-to-see list.  Netflix has really found a niche in lightweight holiday entertainment and a fair percentage of the movies I watched for the first time last year were on their streaming service. That will likely be the case this year as well. I got a quick start this year, watching both The Nightmare Before Christmas and Netflix’s latest Holiday in the Wild yesterday. That’s 2 down, 23 to go.

#1: The Nightmare Before Christmas

Image result for the nightmare before christmas1993, Directed by Henry Selick

(9-Great Film)

I opened with this film last year. Availability is partly the reason but it’s also obviously appropriate for both Halloween and Christmas. For people like me who like to start Christmas season entirely too early, the Nightmare Before Christmas is perfect for transitioning. It’s also just a wonderful movie. Technically stunning, if you’ve watched it enough times, you might find it interesting to really absorb the visuals frame by frame to consider what exactly the filmmakers had to do to achieve just that one shot. Then consider the seamless movement of the figures. Then the indelible soundtrack. Finally, the story. Jack Skeleton (voiced by Danny Elfman when singing and Chris Sarandon otherwise) reigns over Halloweentown, suffocated by his peers’ admiration and respect. He’s bored with his position in life. Having something close to a midlife crisis, he discovers a world outside Halloweentown which includes Christmastown, leaving Jack instantly smitten. Jack decides he wants to try his hand at being Santa which results in Christmas turmoil before he realizes to appreciate who he is and to be himself.

#2: Holiday in the Wild

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2019, Directed by Ernie Barbarash

(5-Okay Film)

This lowkey romantic drama stars Kristin Davis as Kate Conrad, devoted mother, and socialite wife to a successful businessman, Drew, who asks for a divorce not long after their son departs for college. Left reeling, Kate travels to Zambia where she meets the handsome Derek (Lowe), a local pilot, and the two fall for each other over the course of her extended holiday as she, a former veterinarian, connects with the wildlife, specifically an elephant she helps rescue. I would say the film is way more passionate about animals and wildlife than it is about Christmas. That’s not a criticism. It’s simply that Holiday in the Wild didn’t make much of an impression on me as a Christmas film. It’s a perfectly pleasant but unspectacular hour-an-a-half. About what you would expect. I did like how low maintenance it was, eschewing the trumped-up drama of most films of its ilk.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #9: Troll 2 is the Worst

How often do people reach for superlatives? It was the best, the greatest, the most, etc. In many cases, it seems the easiest method to make a point. The same goes for the reverse hyperbole: the worst film of all-time. Whatever movie a person’s seen recently that wasn’t good gets described as the worst film of all-time. I’ve heard people say Titanic is, “the worst film of all-time.” It’s not. Even if you don’t like it, Titanic is nowhere near the worst film of all-time. I’ve seen a large number of very bad films. I’m just as curious about bad films as I am about good films. I try to watch one movie a week that’s said to be terrible. Plan 9 from Outer Space, The Room, Leonard Part 6, I’ve seen them. Because of this, I feel very confident in asserting that Troll 2 (1990) stands below them all. Troll 2 is the worst film of all-time.

Image result for troll 2

Unlike The Room, its closest rival, Troll 2 has a plot. The Room is a ponderous travesty. It’s profoundly terrible. You know how after watching a great movie, you can’t stop thinking about it? The Room is so bad, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. Troll 2, on the other hand, has all the ingredients of a normal film- plot, structure, villains, a climax, a protagonist- but they’re all handled so poorly, the people involved are so talentless, that Troll 2 becomes special in its own way.

Directed by Italian filmmaker, Claudio Fragasso, the man behind Monster Dog with Alice Cooper, who supposedly had a very limited grasp of English, Troll 2 isn’t even a real sequel. Hoping to drift off of “the success” of 1986’s Troll (a film which itself sits at 26% on Rotten Tomatoes), producers decided to call this film about goblins, Troll 2, starring Michael Stephenson as a boy, named Joshua, dragged to the sinister town of Nilbog (Goblin spelled backwards). His parents don’t notice all the odd things going on in this town, nor does his sister, Holly. The only aid Joshua gets is from his dead grandfather, who comes back sporadically (never explained why he can’t just stay and help). Here are my three favorite scenes:

  1. The Dinner Scene- Devoid of logic, and therefore any suspense, this is a hilarious catastrophe of filmmaking. The ghost of Joshua’s grandfather tells him not to let his family eat the green food that they didn’t make, or else they’ll die. No explanation for why the grandfather can’t speak to the other members of the family. To help, he freezes everyone but Joshua for thirty seconds (no explanation for why he has this ability and why it only lasts thirty seconds). The face Joshua makes when seeing his family frozen is priceless. I can’t think of anything that’s made me laugh as hard, and you’ll see the characters that are supposed to be frozen blink. Then you have the fact that he wastes most of the “thirty seconds” (it’s clearly way longer than thirty seconds). At the scenes conclusion, we get a bit of acting from the father, and well…

2. Oh My God!-I’m not even going to try and explain this scene. It was already horrible, but Darren Ewing’s line reading is notorious. His underacting versus the other two actors just chewing up the scenery is a wonder to behold.

3. The Corn Scene-Seduction by corn. No one thinks of corn as erotic, and I doubt anyone ever will. In this scene, the Goblin witch seduces a dumb teen by rubbing corn against her leg, culminating with an excessive amount of popcorn when they start kissing. Inexplicable scene really. Honestly, can’t imagine what the filmmakers thought they were going for here, and I love that the actress playing the witch goes for Oscar gold. She really gives it her all.

Troll 2 is extremely funny and amassed a sizable cult following. The film’s star produced a successful documentary titled Best Worst Movie, dedicated to Troll 2. There are many movies made, designed to be inane like Sharknado or Piranha 3D, but they can’t compare, for me, to Troll 2 in which every actor and filmmaker gives their all, and it still sucks. Just like certain intangible things have to come together for a movie to be great, I think it takes a kind of magic for everything to go this wrong. Best worst movie, indeed.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #8: People in Movies Don’t Know How to Drive

Still, after 90 plus years of cinema, actors remain unconvincing behind the wheel. They barely watch the road, or they turn the wheel incessantly, or they talk over their shoulders which would sprain any actual driver’s neck. I can forgive classic Hollywood bad movie driving. The actors would climb in a car set in front of a screen that projected their surroundings later. One example: To Catch a Thief (1955).


Keep in mind, this is by Alfred Hitchcock, one of cinema’s great masters. Keep in mind also, I’m not pointing to the old fashioned special effects, which are still rather effective. I’m looking at Grace Kelly’s simulation of driving. She, at least, keeps her eyes on the road convincingly, but she’s turning the wheel every other beat, which has become the standard for fake film driving. Why? Are actors afraid that if they don’t turn the wheel enough, we won’t buy into the illusion? Nobody turns the wheel that much when driving.

The thing is fake driving on film is still pretty bad more often than not. It’s not juts an old fashioned thing. Sixty years later, you still have plenty examples of poor driving.

No, it’s not that dire. It’s just amazing to me that director’s don’t point this out. It’s become a pet peeve of mine. Any time there’s driving in a film, I’m watching the technique.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #8: Alternate Casting Choices

What if games are as futile and inane as trying to keep a body count in your head while watching Death Wish 3- you can’t change time-and yet, they’re fun. Recently, I’ve been imagining certain films, great films even, with different actors in key roles. How dramatically that changes the film is a case by case situation, but there’s no question it reshapes each one. What follows is my five favorite alternate casting choices. I left off films that were beyond redeeming, such as The Last Airbender, which suffered from poor casting, but even with solid casting, couldn’t be saved. Most of my picks are great films that I feel could be even greater with these surrogate actors. Here goes:

Will Smith in Django Unchained

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This was so close to happening. Tarantino wanted the superstar for the title role but was apparently turned down by Smith. Django Unchained was the best movie of that year, and Tarantino is one of the best filmmakers going, so I’m more upset about what Smith missed in his career than what Django Unchained lost. I’ve heard that Smith wanted Django to be the one to kill Candy (ultimately played by DiCaprio), and was pushing back on a number of plot points. Why fight a Tarantino script? It’s a shame since I really think Smith would have been fantastic in the role, as good as Jamie Foxx is. Smith has star power, and it would have been a bold move in his career. Instead, he did After Earth with his son, Jaden, trying to make him a star, and hasn’t fully recovered the box-office power he once had. You can’t stay on top without taking risks. Once you lose your power to surprise people, you lose your power. I really think Smith missed a huge opportunity.

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To be fair, he came out afterward and had this to say, “It was about the creative direction of the story. To me, it’s as perfect a story as you could ever want: a guy that learns how to kill to retrieve his wife that has been taken as a slave. That idea is perfect. And it was just that Quentin and I couldn’t see [eye to eye]. I wanted to make that movie so badly, but I felt the only way was, it had to be a love story, not a vengeance story. We can’t look at what happens in Paris [the terrorist attacks] and want to f— somebody up for that. Violence begets violence. I just couldn’t connect to violence being the answer. Love had to be the answer.” Alright, you can’t fault an actor for having principles, though I disagree with his assessment. If it really was all about principles, and disagreeing with the heart of the film, then that’s his prerogative.

Denzel Washington in Seven

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Here’s another example of a star actor who turned down a great role. Denzel Washington was David Fincher’s first choice for the role of young detective, David Mills (a role that finally went to a very good Brad Pitt). Not that it has affected Washington’s career much, if at all, but can you imagine him paired with Morgan Freeman, who was just incredible as Detective Somerset? The two had already worked together in the classic Civil War drama, Glory. Seven would have been among Denzel’s best films, and would have benefited from both actors’ gravitas and charisma.

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Denzel, himself, later commented that he passed on the role because he felt that it was “too dark and evil.” He says when he saw the finished product, he kicked himself. David Fincher wasn’t an established name at the time, having only directed one film, Aliens 3, which was, well…I can see it being difficult wanting to go out on a limb with that material with an unproven director.

Mel Gibson in Mad Max: Fury Road

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This choice is slightly different. Mel Gibson, to my knowledge, was never offered the Mad Max role that Tom Hardy played in Fury Road. It’s also different because Mel obviously originated the role in the landmark trilogy starting back in 1979. Mel Gibson is Mad Max, and no disrespect to Tom Hardy, who did an admirable job of putting on the shoes, but I don’t want to see anyone else in that role. I’ve heard talk about the reason for the switch being that Gibson was “too old,” for the role. I shake my head at that. I think old Mel Gibson could have been the best Mad Max yet. Picture the barren apocalyptic setting of the franchise. Picture all the death and destruction, and then picture an old, grizzled Gibson somehow surviving and outliving everyone and everything, even though he probably longs to die. That could have been incredible. Yes, Fury Road was great, and the best of 2015 already, but I truly believe it could have been better still. The real reason Gibson wasn’t hired, or likely considered, was that he was still in the doghouse for his boorish behavior several years prior.

Michelle Williams in The Great Gatsby

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Michelle Williams could be a great Daisy Buchanan. Carey Mulligan, who is an extraordinary actress, failed in my mind to make the requisite impression. Partly, I’m sure, the fault of the filmmakers, her Daisy gets lost in the shuffle, and becomes scenery. Leonardo DiCaprio and Joel Edgerton completely overpowered all of the other actors. Mulligan said about her performance, “I’m not sure if I kind of lost my way because I was intimidated by the scale of it. I think I might have been overawed by my experience and intimidated by the level of performances around me. It was how big it was and how visual it was. I definitely felt there were fleeting moments where I really found the character and then I felt like I lost her a little bit. I’ve never been wholly thrilled about my work in it.”

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Williams’ performance as Marilyn Monroe in the film, My Week with Marilyn, really suggested to me that she was capable of handling this iconic, fictional, woman as well. Daisy, aloof, vapid, superficial, among such weighty male roles is a very difficult challenge. Actors are taught to get to the root of a character’s motivation, to give them depth, but that’s contrary to how the role of Daisy needs to be played, and then, on top of that, it’s directed by Baz Lurhmann, so there’s music blaring, choreographed dance numbers all around. It’s easy to get lost in the maelstrom.

Robert Downey Jr. in Inherent Vice

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Robert Downey Jr. as Doc Sportello seems like a no-brainer to me. Sportello is a weed smoking, wise-cracking, counter-cultural private eye in early 1970s Los Angeles. Instead, Anderson reteamed with Joaquin Phoenix, 2 years after their sublime work together in The Master (2012). Phoenix mumbles his way through this 2 and 1/2 hour snooze fest. I didn’t like this film at all, and maybe I just missed the point completely, but I think Downey Jr. could have helped. He, at least, would have been intelligible and might have brought some wit to go with the film’s aimless style. Downey Jr. was considered for the role, but was shot down eventually for being “too old.” That’s kind of bizarre to me.

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-Walter Tyrone Howard-

Pensées #7: Sex in Film isn’t Interesting

Here comes an article from the old cantankerous man in me, but every other Hollywood R rated film has one: the obligatory sex scene. On average, it’ll last 5 seconds with an emphasis on the upper body accompanied by bedroom sounds. It’s not difficult to picture the behind the scenes mechanics of a Hollywood sex scene. Many actors have spoken about how awkward they can be. Setting aside the tedious details of how simulated sex scenes are done, attempting to look past any prudishness I have, I simply don’t think sex scenes are ever very good, and that’s not reserved for Hollywood. Perhaps there’s a bias that comes with being an American, but for me, as opposed to violence in film, sex scenes, in general, are not interesting cinematically. Sex scenes, simulated or unsimulated, are not romantic, they’re not sexy, they’re rarely realistic, and they’re always reduced to the same level (regardless of the acting or technical talent involved).

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I can think of one handful of exceptions, but the majority of sex scenes aren’t sexy. When I think of sexy or romantic scenes across film history, I think of Sanaa Lathan and Omar Epps playing basketball together in Love and Basketball (2000), Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis sharing a passionate kiss at long last in Witness (1985), James Stewart and Donna Reed sharing a phone call in It’s a Wonderful Life (1946), Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson struggling over a soppy book in Remains of the Day (1993), Daniel Day-Lewis unbuttoning Michelle Pfeiffer’s gloves in The Age of Innocence (1993), just off the top of my head. These scenes all built up dramatic tension through writing, acting, staging, what-have-you. How many different ways can you stage a sex scene? What’s the last sex scene that was filmed in a way you hadn’t seen before? I don’t think it even matters, because my main grievance with sex scenes, and maybe this only applies to me, but they all work on the same level, and sure they’re appealing on a base level, but not on any level I respect. Have you ever watched a sex scene and been impressed or moved by the performances? I haven’t. It doesn’t matter if it was Oscar winner Cate Blanchett or Playboy Playmate Shannon Tweed, no one is watching the acting. No one is thinking about the movie. If there is nudity involved in a scene, no one is thinking period. Can anyone relate Little Finger’s back story (this is a Game of Thrones reference, so not a movie, but my point remains)?

Violence in cinema can serve any number of purposes. It can give a film weight (Unforgiven), setup suspense (Texas Chainsaw Massacre), provide dark humor (Pulp Fiction or Fargo). Violence can even be aesthetically beautiful (which I’m sure many object to) as in Jean-Louis Trintignant’s sacrifice in The Great Silence. Nine times out of ten, sex scenes are just there for me to ignore awkwardly with my family or friends.

-Walter Tyrone Howard-